The Torment of Existence Weighed Against the Horror of Non-Being

 A Discussion About Neurodivergence Here on BGG

Obligatory link to the Calvin and Hobbes strip that gave me today's fantastic title.

The other day, I read a really interesting discussion here on BGG regarding Analysis Paralysis (AP) and the author had posted about their difficulty with AP due to ADHD. It was noted by the author that they had difficulty with AP due to their ADHD leading them to spiral into the "what if" possibilities of games and that paired with some anxiety, led them to be consumed by AP when playing more intense games. I'm not going to go into the post further as the author does a great job of working through their concerns with AP and bringing up some good discussion about AP prone individuals when playing games. Feel free to read the post and comments as there were some excellent points that were made about helping people through their own AP.

I bring this up because it got me thinking about my tendencies when playing games and what I tended to do when playing games with other people. Actually, much of this blog has been me thinking about my board game tendencies and realizing that much of what I'm seeing in my tendencies shows that I still have a bunch of maturing to do still.

I'm ADHD. I've known this my entire life, but it wasn't until around 2021-2022 that I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. I found myself getting increasingly more and more unfocused at work and spending far too much time on random websites that had nothing to do with what I needed to get done. And yet, I've also been able to get my work done efficiently because I'm really effective at getting it done when I have moments of focus.

It's a pattern that was pretty evident when I looked back at my school years: I would have days where I would be completely unfocused and flit from task to task, and I would often find myself in a moment of panic realizing that I had an assignment due the next day that I had completely forgotten about. I'd spend the next several hours panicking and finishing the assignment (or failing to finish) to turn it in the next day.

Over the years, I started developing a "Work first, fun later" mentality where I would sit myself down and just pound out the assignments that I had to do in order to ensure that I was not forgetting them. I had learned to discipline myself to ignore everything until I got my work done and once that was finished, then I could enjoy myself. This worked great in school, and at home, but not so much in certain jobs as there was often a long list of tasks that continuously was added to as I completed them. Ironically, I had gotten so good at getting my "list" done so quickly, that I ended up making more and more work for myself.

Things have gotten better now that I've gotten an official diagnosis and I have been prescribed some meds that help me with my focus a bit more, but I'm finding that many of my personality "quirks" remain. There's been a lot of decades getting used to my ADHD and that's lent itself to some odd things that come out, especially when it comes to board games...

Focus on the Game!

Games like Everdell test my patience because I have to wait for others.

I overthink everything in life, but board games are one where that overthinking actually lends itself to be a good thing for me. I've actually had to become pretty decisive when it comes to life, especially with my ADHD tending to lead me down rabbit trails that can go way too far. I learned to trust my gut on things and often times, I'll make snap decisions about something so I don't spend too much time agonizing about my decision.

It's been fairly good with board games as I generally make good decisions for my turns and that's lent itself to more wins than losses for me with my regular gaming group. It's reduced the amount of time that I spend thinking about things and helps keep up the pace of the game for everyone to enjoy it. My gut instinct is usually good and especially with games that have a lot of shared components between players, when someone takes a turn that screws with my plan, I'm usually pretty good at shifting my thoughts and getting a new plan formulated fast.

However, this also has been a significant detriment to me and my patience when playing with others who tend towards AP. I never have claimed to have the highest level of patience and I probably would rate myself as someone who has a middling level of patience based on everyone that I have met. Board games, for whatever reason, tend to throw that out the window and I find myself getting increasingly frustrated if a game goes on longer than I expect, especially because it drives me nuts when people take their time during their turn to figure out what to do when playing the game.

It was pointed out in the post above that the action (or inaction) that is most frustrating is players that don't think about their turn until it comes to their turn, then spend a bunch of time thinking about what action or actions to take. It's something that I can absolutely get behind. I know that AP cannot be avoided sometimes and it does take some people an entire go around a table, plus additional time to come up with a plan, and that's fine in my book. Where I've really struggled is with people who do take longer on their turn, but could avoid the issue by taking a quick minute to plan out what they are going to do on other people's turns.

There are some good friends that I play with that we joke that any time to play a game is going to be 1.5x what's written on the box with one, 2x the box time with both, or 2.5-3x the time written on the box if we have to teach the game. Obviously, the time written on most boxes is arbitrary and not necessarily correct with the game length, but interestingly enough, the concept with this couple actually stands true. A lot of the time comes from them asking questions and discussing the game moves with one another or the other players, which I don't mind. However, often I find myself waiting for my friends to take their turn because they've spent much of the time in between talking about life and other things, rather than focusing on the games.

It's lent itself to me becoming increasingly frustrated with games that drag out over hours that should take around an hour or so to finish. Its been frustrating for me because I'll have my turn planned out almost as soon as I finish my turn (or several more turns prepared), only to have to wait longer than I expected because my friends haven't thought out what they were planning on doing because they've been talking. I've found myself being increasingly snarky as the game progresses because I'm stuck waiting, only to find that I'm downright angry at the end because it's taken so long.

Reevaluating Myself

Lighter games work better with certain groups and I bring them out more frequently.

It was after one such session that I read the post that I had linked above, talking about AP and how to help others through that concern. While I was curious to see what was written in the post, I found the advice on the bottom related quite significantly to my situation. I realized that there hadn't been any ground rules that were set at the beginning of our games and I was reacting to the perceived delay without expressing myself or my frustration as to why.

I realized that I had inadvertently made one of the primary mistakes of most couples or friends: I had failed to set expectations and communicate my desires at the beginning of the game and I assumed that the unwritten or unsaid rules would be honored by everyone at the table, despite them only being in my head. I became resentful at my friends who took too long because I expected them to understand my limitations, but never expressed that to them. There wasn't any way for them to know what my thoughts and feelings were because I didn't express them.

I realized after I had read the post that I needed to apologize to my friends since I was the one being a jerk, not them. I sent off a long text explaining how I was feeling and things were resolved well between the three of us, but it taught me a valuable lesson: communication, in any relationship, is key. This is something that my wife and I are still working on even after almost ten years of marriage, but I am just now beginning to take that advice into my other relationships.

I love board games and I can't believe that it took me this long to realize that communicating your desires, especially when playing with friends and family, is very important, especially at the beginning of the game. There might be some disagreement on what ground rules to set before the game, but overall, that should help set up your game for success and (hopefully) reduce overall frustration with the game and the play of it. If there's one thing that therapy has taught me (especially after years of it), it's that you cannot overcommunicate your feelings. Unless you state how you are feeling or express your desires, no one else is going to be able to understand you.
Everdell
Talk to your friends and set some ground rules for games. Do you want to have a timer active? Do certain people want to talk through available options? Do you want to play fast and quick, or slow and steady? Are people allowed to use their phones during the game? Do you want to limit chitchat to only game related topics? It's all fair game, but you need to first bring it up before you can get frustrated with someone else for not following an unwritten or unspoken rule. That's just setting yourself up for a bad time.

Give me your thoughts:What has been your biggest frustration when playing board games with other people? Have you discussed this frustration with them? What are some of the basic ground rules that you have when playing board games? Are there any house rules/ground rules that you have standard for one group that don't exist in other groups? What is your biggest mistake when playing games with other people and how can you address that?

As always, thank you so much for checking out this blog. If you liked it, please hit the green thumb  at the top of the page and feel free to leave a comment on the post. I appreciate all interactions and will respond to everything that I can. If you really liked the post and want more ramblings, feel free to subscribe and get new posts every Monday/Wednesday/Friday.

*Originally posted on BoardGameGeek on 31/7/2024*