Winning Isn't Everything (Or It Shouldn't Be)

 Philosophies on Board Games

I think I might play Monopoly with those rules...

Over the years I would like to think that I've gotten more mature and more understanding when gaming with friends and family, but then something happens that completely throws me off and I lose my cool.

I would like to think that I've gotten to a point where I'm in control of my emotions and am willing to accept defeat gracefully when it occurs. I have been working through a lot of emotional trauma from growing up and I know that there are absolutely times where my temper gets the better of me. It's something that was learned after living with an abusive parent and it's something that I'm working on getting through with lots and lots of therapy.

I don't want to pass that fear of being around me to my kids, especially since that was something that I distinctly remember growing up. I don't ever want my daughters to feel unsafe in my presence, and learning to control that anger that seems to bubble under the surface especially when I'm tired or emotionally exhausted is something that is going to be an uphill battle for me.

Emotional control is an essential skill that I was never taught, and as a parent, I'm realizing that I have to develop some myself in order to pass that on to my girls. As the idiom goes: "Monkey see, monkey do;" kids are like sponges and mirrors and they'll follow my example from whatever I do, so I need to learn to practice the behavior that I want to see from them.

Especially when it comes to losing gracefully.

This game was the start of where it all went down!

I guess I'll start with how it all happened to really get into the mindset of where I was on that night that I lost my cool after losing.

To begin our story, this happened on a Thursday evening and I had a long day of work and taking care of two adorable (and frustrating) girls. I was looking to complete part of my 10x10 Challenge as I was under 10 games from finished and I was so close that I could taste the victory of completing not only my 10x10 Challenge list, but also the Hardcore Version of the challenge (I didn't change any games from my original list). I played two solo games of Dungeonology: The Expedition and I was feeling pretty good about myself and what I had accomplished. That brought me under 5 total plays left (4 games at that time), and I thought I'd reward myself with a solo game of Terraforming Mars: Ares Expedition.

Unfortunately, I was either just not getting the right cards, had been to confident with how good I was at the game, or I was just too tired to formulate a good strategy, and that resulted in me losing the game. It was a disappointment for sure, but I didn't think too much of it since I knew that the game was tough and I'd been tired. I didn't let the first game I lost get to me; I was more mature than that. Things like that happened and I could learn from my mistakes and grow.

The offering for Friday Game Lunch.

Friday rolled around and we had originally planned on playing Deadly Dowagers for our session, especially since I had just written a review about the game. My coworkers were excited about the game and I was as well since I knew that it would be a good time, especially with the quirky group that we had.

Unfortunately for me, that plan fell through and I decided to pivot. I had also brought both Race for the Galaxy and Terraforming Mars: Ares Expedition for us to try, and although I hadn't ever played the former, I figured that it was close enough to the latter that I could figure things out. My buddy opted for TM: Ares Expedition and after a grueling two hour game (which was far longer than I expected) we totaled our points. I had done my best to offer advice to my friend so as not to completely throw him off the game but I made the mistake of helping too much and he ended up beating me in points.

Once again, I had been defeated in a game of Terraforming Mars: Ares Expedition, and while my ire began to grow, I had to admit to myself that my friend had played well and I had only myself to blame for the loss. I swallowed my pride, congratulated my friend on a game well done and moved on. I thought that was the end of my loss streak, but nope, that was only the beginning.

Games 3 and 4 of my losing streak.

As most Friday nights go, it was time for my Friday night game night with Anthony and because he had just come back from a long trip, we decided that our normal game night would trend towards lighter games for us to play. Well, after some horrid advice from Anthony to not worry about my starting cards and synergy (seriously, that was such awful advice, I don't know why I took it), we launched into a game of Call to Adventure. Anthony won the game pretty handily and I of course gave him a hard time about the awful advice he had given and how much he had beaten both me and his son by.

We played a game of 10 Minute Heist: The Wizard's Tower since it was super light and once again Anthony beat me, bringing my total losses to 4 in a row, which was beginning to border on right on the edge of frustration. Still, I was able to keep my cool and accept the defeats with smooth, if not snarky, resignation. I think at this point, I was beginning to get irritated with the losses, but I managed to keep it all together.

The straw that broke the dragon's back.

A few more games preceded my blow up, including a game of Rhino Hero (loss to my mom) and a game of River Valley Glassworks (loss to BGA user). However, what really set it off was my fourth loss in a row to Sarah and fifth loss overall in a row while playing multiplayer of Clank!: Catacombs.

I was so confident that I would win the game when we started and I managed to even get the 12 point artefact and make it out with Sarah at half health left. What followed were a series of incredulous events that resulted in not only Sarah getting the best score that she had ever had in Clank!, but also absolutely blowing my score out of the water. I managed to get her down to one point of health left with the draws from the bag and she was even in the depths, but after an extremely lucky pull of her cards, she sped out of the dungeon to not only be able to score her massive amount of tokens that she had obtained, but also get the mastery token for another 20 points.

I would like to say that I took that loss with the grace of a gentleman and accepted that I had been beaten by Sarah and her clever plays. I could lie and say that there was no freak out that occurred, nor was there me throwing the cards across the table in a fit of rage and frustration. I didn't scream obscenities and cry at the seventh consecutive loss of a board game and fifth consecutive loss of Clank!: Catacombs.

Unfortunately, dear readers, that would be verifiably false.

I don't know what happened, but it was almost as a switch flipped and I threw a fit at the loss. I couldn't believe that this game that I had been so excited about had resulted in not only one, nor two losses in a row, but five consecutive losses. I had never lost that much in Clank!, nor was I that bad in any other game I had played. I think it was also further compounded by the other losses I had accrued over the last several days and I snapped.

Like the Calvin and Hobbes I included above, I threw a fit of rage and complained about losing the game. I was a horrid loser and unfortunately I took that out on my best friend. I yelled and swore and threw cards at the board (I made sure not to hit Sarah with anything). It was as if a five year old had taken over my body and just let things loose.

Games should be about fun! Like Rhino Hero!

After I had calmed down after my outburst, I quickly apologized to Sarah for my outburst and she accepted my apology with all the grace and favor that has made me fall in love with her day in and day out. She understood it had been a long week for me and she helped me to calm down after the freak out.

As I started thinking about the outburst, I realized that my freak out had been extremely out of character for me with board games, but not necessarily for me in other aspects of my life. As I worked through my emotions and feelings about the games that I had lost, I realized that I had equated my success in these games with my self worth. By losing games over and over again, I had felt more and more inferior and that had started to weigh on me until I snapped with that final game of Clank!: Catacombs.

I talked with Sarah at length about it later and I again apologized for my behavior. I talk a big game, stating that games are supposed to be fun and enjoyable for everyone involved, but honestly, there's an underlying spirit of competitiveness that I have. Sure, losing a game or two is a bit of an ego blow, but I can often attribute that to a mistake I made with not understanding the rules or missing a key step or something else in the game, or maybe my opponent played better than I did.

I think what really got me angry was losing the same game over and over again without a win. I equated me winning with my self worth and by losing the game over and over again, I was not as good as a person, a father, or a husband.

Obviously, that was untrue, but in a world that values success so much, it's easy to get trapped in that mindset. I know that this is a failing of mine. I love to win. Sometimes a bit too much. I need to be better at letting go of my losses.

But honestly, saying that is far easier than doing it and I'm still working on being better at that acceptance. Life is a journey and it seems like I still need to get over that mountain.

Ironically, I won the next game we played the next night... go figure.

I need to be able to forgive myself for those mistakes and accept myself for both the wins and losses. I am a different person than who I was yesterday and what I lose at doesn't change me or my value to those who are around me. My worth isn't determined by how many games I win or lose.

I am good enough. And so are you. Don't let your failures take over and get the better of you. You are worth far more than a win or loss in a game and people care about you. It can be hard to remember that, but know that you are valued, even if you feel like you aren't.

Give me your thoughts:What are ways that you can encourage your friends who lose at games, especially when they equate their worth to wins or losses in games? How do you approach the subject when someone has a bad game and claims that they don't want to play the game anymore? What steps can you do to connect with those who play games with you and ensure that the spirit of competitiveness doesn't overtake the fun of the game?

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*Originally posted on BoardGameGeek on 21/8/2024*